Brothers

For the first time I really feel like I'm beginning to parent brothers instead of just sons.  I spend all day vigilantly separating, correcting, refereeing, debriefing, time-out(ing), and doing damage control with these two little ones.  Toby, on his own, is quite content to play independently exploring his world and sucking on every little thing.  He is not easily excitable and seems to enjoy quiet, focused, solitude where he is left to simply wander and figure things out.  Silas, on his own, is more demanding wanting Mommy to watch and see and experience everything he does.  However, he can sometimes be counted on to play with his legos alone or is incredibly engaged and fun to do activities with.  

But (cause there is always a but), when these two boys are in the same room [which we have been forced to be due to our kitchen renos], here comes trouble.  Silas is ever in Toby's face grabbing his feet, bonking his head, pushing him over, taking his toys, commanding his attention, and telling him what to do.  This makes Toby cry and whine.  If it's not Silas instigating, then Toby is ever into Silas's toys.  Whenever Silas finally gets into something like making lego towers or the like, Toby is right there beside him eyeing the same toys, crawling on his lego, grabbing things, pushing them over- not to be thwarted or distracted from his main mission: get whatever Silas has.

When did these boys get like this?

I mean it's cute that they like to be together -right?  It's cute that Silas wants Toby to chase after him after he takes his walker- right?  It's cute that Silas likes to pin Toby like a pancake to hug and kiss him-right?  

Okay okay, it's not all bad.  It's cute that when I go to wake up Silas (with Toby in tow) Toby grins hugely and that Silas tries to make Toby laugh. 

But generally speaking,  why can't they just leave each other alone?  I can't really ever leave the two of them alone in a room for even. one. minute.  Peeing in privacy?  Nope.  Washing dishes in the bathroom?  Nope.  Running up the stairs to grab something? Nope.  

grrrrrrrrr.

Silas wasn't thrilled about this arrangement

Close behind at Silas' heels...

But they are definitely cute together and I pray that they will someday learn to play together. Nicely.

Being Intentional

I'm approaching 28 [insert 'eeeek' here] and, I've had a few 'aha' moments along the way.  One more recent life lesson is about balancing commitments, time management, rest, goal setting, and family.  What is it?  Few things in life happen by accident.  I don't mean things that happen to us, cause in that department I think God is sovereign (whole other topic).  I mean related to personal accomplishments, disciplines, habits, growth and relationships. Maybe it's obvious to some, but for me, I didn't realize how many things need to be so very intentional.  I cannot just stumble into good health and eating habits.  I can't just relax every evening and kick back and expect to accomplish lofty goals.  I cannot just expect relationships to develop or heal if there is no time or energy or commitment made to them.  Rest time?  Doesn't happen unless we schedule it.  Time together as a couple?  Won't take place spontaneously- needs to be carved out.  All of these things take time and if I don't make time for them, extra time doesn't just come around.

So.  To be 'intentional' Jason and I have started some strategies since early 2012 that are really paying off:

1. Weekly Meetings
This will sound geeky, and it kinda is.  But every Sunday night Jason and I convene over hot drinks, snacks and our computers.  We chat about what's ahead for the week and plan our weekday evenings now that the kids are both in bed at 8.  What nights does one of us want to get some exercise?  What night should we plan a social activity   What are our commitments?   We love this time and keep 'business items' on our weekly agenda list so that when things come up during the week that we don't get time to discuss in full detail, we bring them up at our meeting.  Helps us stay on the same page and more organized.

2.  Rest Day
Things push in on us all the time.  We constantly have to say no to opportunities that we want to take because things always take up more time than we think they will.  That being said, we try try try to keep one day a week that we can rest.  What does this mean for us?  Jason takes the kids for part of the morning so that I can go away and do what I want to do, then we swap.  When kids are napping we get to have a nice lunch together and hang out, then we spend the rest of the day (often) with just the kids and us.  No, this doesn't always happen.  No, we sometimes have this time infringed on.  But, we keep carving this time back out again and are always very glad we made room for rest.

3. Monthly Themes
This is a new one.  We always have areas that we want to grow in, research more about, learn more about, and progress in.  However, it's hard to just carve out an evening here or there when so many other things are also demanding our time.  For example: finances.  The way we budget and spend needs constant tweeking, analyzing, and evaluating.  Or organization- how we run our home and our responsibilities- things could always be better organized.  Or schooling: how can we plan for Silas' schooling, what could we already be teaching him etc.  We've decided to have monthly themes for the next little while.  We want to have a month where we focus on finances, on schooling for Silas (and us), a month where we think about ways that we could make things run better in our home (ie. find a good grocery shopping app!), and a month where we research better places to buy local meats, veggies and learn more about how we could adjust our nutrition.  I'm super excited about our monthly themes and hope that it will help us focus, and set goals in each of these areas for the rest of the year.

4. Devotions
This is a tough one.  We are not great at carving out time to do devotions as a family (nor individually).  But we are working on it.  One thing we started to do that is inspired by Jason's Mom and Dad, is to start the habit of reading a Bible story after dinner.  We're impressed (and scared) by how much Silas pays attention and retains things we tell him or experiences we have together as a family.  This has pushed us to really be intentional about speaking scripture with Silas and sharing stories from the Bible.  We're excited to see how this has already changed our mealtimes.  We love having those few extra moments to really hear from Silas and share with him about some important God-lessons.

5. Reflection
This is one for me in particular.  There are a lot of areas I need to grow in personally.  I feel like I'm hitting some kind of mid-life time where I need to really deal with some baggage I'm carrying from the past and press on towards some emotional and spiritual maturity.  Not sure yet what this will look like but I am seriously considering taking some time away for counseling, having a retreat day once a year and have pursued mentorship where I can focus on personal growth.  I also want to be more intentional about choosing good books to read, asking myself some hard questions and being more ready to hear from God about things I need to change.  I'm taking a class at our women's group about wholeness (spiritually, emotionally, physically) and am very excited about some of the things I'm learning there.  Stay posted on this one...

Lastly:
6.  Using what I have
I realize that some of the things I spend money on are quite silly and really, I have the means to do more at home than I realize.  Case in point: I have an espresso machine.  It was generously given to me at my birthday a number of years back (organized by my lovely husband) but I was rarely using it.  Coffee out was starting to add up and I realize I need to cut back.  SO two helpful friends helped show me how to use some of the functions and I'm now really excited about making coffee at home more often!  There are many things like this in my life...I often choose the easy or convenient way when I need to just find a way to make things work that I already have.  We'll see what other ways I find to cut back on spending and do more from home.

Who knew being intentional could be so rewarding and exciting!  I read a book recently too that helped me think more practically about these kinds of things: "the Happiness Project."  Worthwhile read.  I don't agree with some of her basis for things, nor do I agree that her formula will truly satisfy a person but there are a lot of good tips she has on this topic of being more intentional.  

'Tis the Season

Went to the pumpkin/apple tree farm today.  It was fun for the most part.  The drive was long, but I think the boys had a great time!  Wagon rides, playgrounds, animal petting zoo, apple picking, apple-cider-slushie drink, sunshine, dirt, pumpkins- how could they not like it?  I wonder sometimes though, if it's illegal to text while drive, how is it also not illegal to dangerously toss toys, food scraps, and other things back at your children in car-seats in order to avoid the inevitable energy crash that ensues on a long drive?  Yikes.  I was swerving along trying to placate escalating children with snacks and distractions on the way home.  Worked up a sweat, but we made it.

Anyways.

At the end of this random adventure I get to update my open shelves with some cutey pie pumpkins in honour of our upcoming 7th year wedding anniversary (they were part of our table decor).  Oh.  And we picked and ate apples. Yum.

 What am I supposed to do with those things?!

 The goats were eager to make friends but Toby wasn't game

Toby LOVED the wagon ride! 

White pumpkins: thanks for filling in my open shelf decor!

 Like.  A lot.

 Reminds me of our wedding day.  Sigh.

a Hurricane needs to be Held

Like a little hurricane, Silas rages and fits around the house.  He becomes destructive, wreckless, distraught, emotional, and angry.

Then, mid-tantrum, in the eye of the storm there will be this innocent stillness about him.  A moment of recognizing un-met need.  

Silas will stop and whimper:

"Mommy, I need a snuggle."

What looked like fury, was actually fear. Even when all my ugliness is evident, am I loved?  Accepted?  Can I still return to safe arms?  

Would you believe, that at 28 years of age, I'm still a 2 year old?  

My emotions rage, my quick temper flares, my anger bashes against others, and my frustrations blow others away.  

But, If I stop and just look at what is really wrong, if I am just honest with myself I would see that: I just need a snuggle. An internal one.

Unconditional reassurance, love, and acceptance.

To be able to sigh deeply, as Silas does, and rest in bigger arms.

Good thing there is some One who is able to hold this hurricane and calm the storm raging in me.

28 Reasons for Joy

Didn't get a chance to post this yesterday because I was too busy having an awesome day.  Thanks for all those who messaged me, visited, and made my day! Yesterday's post:

I am a lucky woman.  Truly.  I have had many joy-filled, life-changing, wonderful moments and memories in my 28 years of life.   I've been inspired and loved by incredible people.  I've been to amazing places - exploring and discovering.

This post is probably more for me than anyone- collecting reasons I have to be thankful.  It's a fitting way to spend my few free moments alone on this 28th birthday of mine:

1. First day in Hawaii on a family vacation.  Strolling the beach early in the morning with my dear Father.  Sharing, talking, buying cinnamon buns.
2. Fighting about a sewing machine with my mom.  It was such an infamous episode of ridiculous mis-communication that we still laugh our heads off about it. (This moment and staying in a hostel in Italy with my Mom are my two fav memories).
3. Stepping off the plane into my new life in Ottawa. I was leaving home as a new high-school graduate.  Exhilarated and terrified.  On the edge of the unknown and though I didn't know it yet, at the beginning of some of the best years of my life.
4. A surprise birthday party thrown for me only three months into freshman year at Carleton University.  An incredible community of friends.  A new winter coat.  Felt so blessed and treasured.
5. Long drives on country roads, music blaring with a new driver's license   Tears streaming.  Meeting God in some lonely times and places.
6. A cabin in the woods.  A retreat with University friends.  Late nights of sharing, meal making, games, wrestling in the snow.  The best weekend. Singing my heart out while Jason played guitar [not yet dating].
7. Summers at kids camp as a counselor.  The best.  Qwanoes rocked.
8. Long cozy evenings snuggling together [Jason and I of course], all bundled, next to a river in Ottawa.  And then, he said "I love you" for the first time.  [Sigh].
9. Hiking the West Coast Trail.  Fresh air, tiring days, beach combing, ladder climbing, misty mornings, chocolate trail mix.  It was incredible.
10. Hours on my bike as a kid.  Thinking, dreaming, praying, writing poetry and songs.  Exploring, discovering, pondering.  Still love my bike.
11. Meeting and falling in love with Jason's family.  Blonde heads, big hugs, warm smiles, game playing, hikes, talks, love them all.  Each one.
12. Breezing through Costa Rican treetops (zip-lining) on our incredibly adventurous honeymoon.
13. First time to Africa.  Safari in Tanzania early in the morning with the sun rising over the savanna   It was unbelievable, poetic, and inspiring.
14. My first missions trip. (Mexico)  Serving, caring, giving, in community.  Was so fulfilling.
15. Hugging my brother.  I dunno, it still makes me want to cry every time.
16. Deciding to change directions and go to nursing school.  Haven't regretted that decision for a second.  After a good days' work of mental, emotional, physical exertion it always feels amazing. I'm doing exactly what I was made to do.
17. First kiss.  Burnaby mountain, with the man I now call husband.  So totally awkward and so incredibly innocent and priceless.
18. Riding on the back of a motor bike in rural Burkina Faso to deliver health care.  Hilarious. Memorable.
19. Hiking around Arches national park.  How is that place real?
20. The pure relief and the flood of emotions overwhelming me the moment I held Silas for the first time.  I could not stop crying.  Such joy, such an incredible sense of meaning. Awe.
21. Hiking in Cinque Terre.  The sunshine, the exertion, the sea-air, exploring such an incredible landscape with Jason.  My favourite place in the world (thus far).
22. French pastries, consumed in France. Need I say more?!  Chocolate...butter....
23. Graduating from highschool was a huge high.  So much before me, so much behind me.  I had so many great times as a youth with incredible friends and support.  Sports, academics, friends...and at grad: a future wide open.  Dry grad was amazingly fun.
24. Snuggling up with Toby on my chest.  This boys' dimpled cheeks, curly soft blonde hair, bright blue eyes and chubby cheeks fills my heart in places I never knew were empty.
25.  Arriving in Ouagadougou knowing that we were going to be living in Burkina for 6 months.  New sights, new sounds, warm community, new language, new life...
26.  Running a half marathon around Stanley Park with Jason at my side.  Beautiful day, awesome adventure.   (City chase was equally fun!)
27.  Being there when a person passes from this life to the next.  Caring for someone dying is incredibly spiritual.
28. Biking around the gulf islands with Jason.  Romantic, relaxing, lovely.

How can I complain, ever?

I am rich in more ways than most people around the world will ever have the privilege of knowing and experiencing.

Filthy rich.

I deserve none of it but thank God for all of it.